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welcome :P
who am I?:
I am a seventeen year, crazy dutch girl...And uhm I really dont know anything to tell about myself, I think you will find out if you read my stories :p..so enjoy undso...
Owh my english suck, for if you think i'm not making sense :p
loves
*crazy things
*my boyfriend
*hugging (very much :p)
*glittery things
*presents (almost me birthday so :p)
*music/dancing/singing
*fantasy stuff
*laughing, on the most idiot way :p
*go to the movies
*just being an idiot :p
*talking
*friends and sex & the city
*cats (big obsession :p)
hates:
*fights
*being ignored
*if internet doesnt work :p
*cheating (in relationships.In games I cheat alot *angellook*)
*the most people at skool
*being depressed
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Thursday, September 09, 2004
Greetings earthlings
I am very bad at writing intro's..so i am going to skip that :P
Je kent m’n stem niet
Wie ik ben is wat je nu ziet
Wil je dansen met illusies
In gedachten?
So about today…
A very booooring day, everyone is at school or something so I didnt have anythingl ing to do, okay I could have done something, but I'm soooo lazy today..well most of the days actually :p
So what i did whole day is chatting *what else* cleaning the living room or there would be a "world war III" against me and my mom :p and smoking....Really I bored myself to death..it's very shitty to have a weekend of 4 days..other must be thinking right now..WHAT THE HELL :O..but if there is nobody around..it's shitty yeah :p
4 days ago I begun my first day at school on a brand new school...more horrible things :(..I think I was the only one who knew nobody, because everyone was talking to eachother and i wasnt, maybe because I am affraid of new things or afraid to talk to totally strangers, and I am one of the few people who are 16, the most are 20 or 21 with kids :S and I am one of the 3 people who are dutch :|....so on the third day at school I finally talked to people at my class, well actually they started, because of something i've done they liked :p....But in the breaks I'm still standing alone, I dont really care that much, i've got my other friend "my sigarett" and a book, but I think just like anyone else, they would like to have a break-buddy :p
Well that was it for now...
Posted at Thursday, September 09, 2004 by lothlorien
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Friday, September 10, 2004
Shopping
Well today was less boring then yesterday..spent the whole day in Spijkenisse with me mom, to buy new stuff for our new house...in 30 minutes, we bought almost all the kitchen stuff, so that went quit good :p very expensive, but my mom got her own way to lower the original price *and I mean not by stripping or something! :P* So we got it all now :D...we also got a new bed, the best bed ever, so in the morning I will at least come 2 ours too late at skool :p...
Today I feel very good, actually the last couple of days, almost the whole day I'm very happy and laughing all the time, of course I got my weak moments, but that's not that often as it was :D
finally I understand that I not always have to do what other from me want to be liked...I still have a hard time with saying no to someone, thats because, I think that when i'm saying no, that the other will get mad at me or something, but thats going on the right way too :D
Sunday I'll go to the kamasutra beurs with me boyfriend :P...It's just funny to watch how old people, and I mean really old people, come in sm-suites, well actually it's kinda groses, but still funny :p...I think the shows will be fun too....only the sm-shows I dislike, but i'm gonna skip that anyway so...and of course the private rooms muahahaha *okeej just kidding* So I think i'm gonna have a fun saterday-night and the whole sunday *lights sigarett* So where were we? owh yeah..well I am home again..so again I will bore the shit out of me, well I'm glad that the day is almost over, so it's faster saterday and gonna see me boyfriend again :D
I'm gonna watch movie now, so be back later on...
So I'm back...mood is totally changed pfff...I really hate that, and that because of something stupid, well it's not that stupid, but still :(...I really wanna wright it all down just to set it away from me, but I think that's not a good idea, feel like crying too pff *rolleyes* but however, nothing really happend since I quit earlier, only watched Friends/charmed/sex & the city.
And now as usualy bored....and I hate my best friend parents!...at least then I would have just something to do right now, but nooo they are just idiots!..sjees It's been 3 years ago and still they act like crazy morans! *freaks out*... Well I think me go watch something on the tv in my bed it's 20:37 and really tired :|
well see ya (piep/curse/curse/piep *mad face*)
Posted at Friday, September 10, 2004 by lothlorien
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Saturday, September 11, 2004
| Confusion |
Does the head try to fool the heart into believing what the gut knows to be true?
Because the reality of the truth would burst the fairytale of the lie.
The pain of unaccepted and unreciprocated caring.
Self-treated with the morphine of innumerable excuses
Given to myself to justify why you continue to disappoint and punish me quietly.
Now shunning me completely for the words flowing from my soul.
Ending a friendship that was never really there.
Now adding to the physical confusion.
Turning my love into frustration, then to anger and despair.
Pain now rushing into my heart to replace the space, that was once filled with unconditional love.
Were you my friend or was it just my dream?
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Posted at Saturday, September 11, 2004 by lothlorien
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Monday, September 13, 2004
So my weekend was fun, finally no boring days :)...Saterday I went to my boyfriend, watched movie and stuff like that...Sunday me and him went to the Kamasutra beurs in de ahoy..The shows where funny and of course the almost naked dudes :p
On the way in we also got a bag with full of pornstories, we also read those on a table with some dubbelfris :p
I had expected it would be bigger and that there would be more to do. Whole the area was fulled with sextoys that you could have bought, many sm-clothing, but I'm glad there wasnt so much sm-shows and stuff like that. There was also an erotic labyrint, but that wasnt so great either, there was a big bad where you can do stuff on, and the other people could watch it trough tiny wholes, there was also little boxes, with big wholes, so that everyone could followwhat you where doing.. Nobody thit that of course, only one dude, who sat there playing with himself, and everybody watched :| I really dont understand why people do that in places where everybody can see you, okay I can emagine it from pornstars and strippers, but not from a "normal" dude..So I walked there and saw him, so I got a laughkick from here till across the world, so he jumped up and pulled his pans on, and I heared others screaming: OMG HE DID IT IN HIS PANS!!
There was also on an other place a big bed, alsmost as big as my living room, where you could sit up and watch the shows, hugging/kissing eachother or smoke a sigarett..I did of course the last :p
At first the big was so high, I couldt klim on it...so I felt down again and twisted my ankle, it must have looked really stupid, so for me it was really funny so again I had a laughkick :p
About an hour or 7 we left the show and I was going home and he did too...
And today I went to school again :( well I'm going to clean the living room so me is gone :p
Posted at Monday, September 13, 2004 by lothlorien
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Friday, September 17, 2004
Well long time didnt write, I also didnt have much to say, cuz my days arent that fun :p
Well as usual I went to school, that wasnt much fun either, all the stuff we must learn I allready know, and there is nothing new for me. A good thing is that i can do exames over 3 weeks, so that dont have to go to that class anymore, and some where in januari, I'll do exames again, so maybe I can graduate after 5 months :D.. I am still kind of an outsider in the class, maybe my own fault, cuz I dont talk much when I dont know someone and dont like them, there are so different of who I am and in my other school where I used to go, I always had friends who are just like me and understand the kind of humor I have or my past and that sort of things..
Acutually I really do not care that much anymore, I am not there to make friends, I just got there to get my diploma and do the thing I want to do, as soon as possible. I when I go to a school where i go 3 or 4 years than yeah i'll go make friends :p, well only when I like them and now there is nobody I like, but whatever
3 days ago I had a big fight with my mum , it's allright now, but now I know for sure I want to live on my own, I just wanna do my own thing, stand and go where ever I wanna go and not let somebody rule my life. So I come on with the subject again, my dad was stopping by at our hous so he was there *parents are divorced* he didnt think it was a good idea, but he never thinks that when I came up with an idea, so I didnt listen to him, my mum went kind of sad, but thought it would be fun to live in a groep, I allready want that since 2 years orso, So I'm going to look and ask information about "begeleid wonen" and I have to call for work also, it's some kind of Alpha help, you go to a house or 2 on a day and clean or help the people around, it pay very good and I am only going to work on a friday, maybe on a saterday too, but first I have to call and see if I can really work there, so thats what I am going to do now :p
baaij baaij
Posted at Friday, September 17, 2004 by lothlorien
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Angst
Pijn, woede en verdriet
het lijkt langzaam te slijten
het lijkt beter met me te gaan
maar een gevoel is nog steeds aanwezig
angst, iedere dag weer die angst
angst dat ik weer terug val
angst voor mezelf, angst
voor andere
angst voor het leven
vandaag weer een goede dag
ik voel me fijn, ik voel me lekker
maar morgen kan dat gevoel
zo weer weg zijn
en zit ik weer in mijn oude patroon
en daar ben ik zo bang voor...
Posted at Friday, September 17, 2004 by lothlorien
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Sunday, September 19, 2004
Well weekend is over again :( it always goes too fast!.
What I did this weekend, the usuall stuff, I went to my boyfriend on 8:30 in the morning :p I wanted to wake him up, but he already was awake tsss, away long sleep in the weekend :p
So we watched movie and well what you do when you love eachother stuff :p *grin*
Today *sunday* we went to scheveningen to the pancake house, I had one with strawberries and ice cream, normal cream and it was GREAT :P we were there with his parents, so after that we went home, well his dad drop me home again, so now I am bored again :p
The last months almost everybody break up with their boy/girl friend, there is really a curse around the place I live, really everybody went seperated :O...so I just move out my place, saver somwhere else :p I just love him too much for that!! and I dont think I could handle that at all!!!!!
Tomorrow skool again :(..I really dont feel like it!..but I have to go bah.
I'm just glad it's only 4 hours :D
Well I dont know anything thing else to say, so me going again, I'm very tired so i'm going off to bed I think
nighty night...
Posted at Sunday, September 19, 2004 by lothlorien
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Monday, September 27, 2004
ff geen zin om in het engels te gaan lullen dus dan maar in het nederlands...
De laaste tijd gaat het weer best kut om het maar lichterlijk uit te drukken :(
Ik weet wel waardoor het komt, maar vind het zelf nog zo stom dat ik er na 2 jaar nog steeds erg mee zit, om de tijd van dit jaar..Ik weet dat het niet meer gaat gebeuren maar die angst blijft, gewoon 2 jaar geleden dat gezeik met opnames en wat er bij hoort, altijd leuk als het precies zo de tijd van je verjaardag gebeurd pff, majah..
Vrijdag niks gedaan, had ook nergenz zin in dus alleen gecomputerd en op mn kamer gezeten en in de nacht veel gejankt, was alleen thuis en voelde me kut en alleen :(
Zaterdag ben ik naar Hellevoetsluis geweest met mn moeder en mn oma, dingen voor mijn nieuwe kamer uitgezocht, kwil ut beetje fantasieachtig zoiets als 1000 en 1 nacht kamer, sprookjes dus. Gordijnen dus uitgezocht, zijn hele toffe kleur rood en als er licht op staat word het rood meteen paarse gloed, behang wordt bordeaux rook met allemaal elfjes enzo, daar nog wat gegeten en de halve nacht natuurlijk weer liggen janken
Zondag begon redelijk goed was aardig happy en ben daarna met mn moeder en haar goede vriend naar de kroeg geweest: de kijzer in spijkenisse, speelde echt een toffe band, meeste tijd rock maar ook af en toe blues, aan het eind van die avond voelde ik me mood al heelmaal terug zakken, had ook aardig wat bier op, begon gewoon goed, veel lachen en gedanst enzo, maar op het eind was dat weg, daarna gingen we naar de veerheuvel, nog wat drinken en barste daar ook weer in janken uit, omdat ik mn ma over de gebeurtenisse van 2 jaar terug hoorde praten, ging weer beter, daarna gingen we wat eten in de kleine hertog. Had een satee plank was super lekker maar had niet echt honger meer, dus de helft laten staan, voelde me nog steeds kut dus wou naar huis en ben gelijk naar bed gegaan
Vandaag ben ik niet naar school geweest, heb de halve nacht wakker gelegen omdat ik me niet lekker voelde, dat al een hele tijd *lichamelijk* steeds misselijk, geen honger, constant hoofdpijn en super moe, dus ben in bed blijven liggen tot uur of half 3, net pas aangekleed wat gegeten en mood nog steeds 0,0 :(..majah...misschien ook best komt omdat ik mn vriend weinig spreek en zie, maar hij komt woensdag weer blijven slapen :D dus dat is wel weer beter :D...
[.*The tears trying to wash the pain away
But the rain keeps coming down even harder*.]
Posted at Monday, September 27, 2004 by lothlorien
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Saturday, October 02, 2004
If these walls could talk
If these walls could talk
If these walls could talk,
you'd know my body is dead,
my mind has been taken over,
that's why I am so scared,
I can't control it,
anger is making me blind,
I've been left here on my own
chained to a hate of some kind.
If these walls could talk.
If these walls could talk,
you'd know about my fears,
about all those nights I screamed for help,
about all my fallen tears.
You'd know about the demons
haunting me at night,
you'd be able to help me
keep my fire alight,
if these walls could talk
Eternity
Wandering in darkness grope
Finding not a glimpse of hope.
Fingers touch to find my way,
Each foot fall, my heart betrays
The fear which drives me through the day.
Suddenly the ground is lost,
Flailing arms as body's tossed.
Splashing down in crimson pool,
The warm embrace is much too cruel,
I curse this lowly, wretched fool.
Floundering in this self made hell,
Warmth increasing as I dwell.
Within the confines I create,
Screaming as myself berate
Giving in to this, my fate
Posted at Saturday, October 02, 2004 by lothlorien
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Thursday, October 07, 2004
Zow het gaat eindelijk weer goed :D, maandag was de laaste slechte dag, ik had problemen met mn vriend gemaakt met mn domme kop, dag daarna alles uitgelegd en het is weer allemaal goed :D
School gaat natuurlijk nog steeds goed, zal wel moeten als het zo makkelijk is, gelukkig hoge cijfersen alles is gewoon easy like sunday morning :p
Vandaag weer vrije dag, word ik ook schijtziek van, aangezien ik op andere schooldagen ook maar halve dagen heb, echt te veel vrije tijd suckt! majah ongeveer over een week of 2 krijg ik nieuw rooster dat ik gewoon 5 dagen naar school gaat en nieuwe vakken erbij krijgt, ook weer allemaal makkelijk behalve "rekenen" *hun term* wat een hekel heb ik daar aan!, maar het zal wel moeten.
Morgen ga ik uit :D ik ga met mn vriend en mijn moeder en haar goede vriend naar Barbiertje dus, krijg ik eergister te horen dat mn leraar/mentor daar ook heen gaat :O, majah tis wel een toffe vent maar toch, je leraar ergens tegenkomen is altijd een big-nono en vooral op een plek waar je bezopen gaat worden :( :P
Gister avond EI-DE-LIJK dat liedje gevonden waar ik nu al weken/maanden naar opzoek ben geweest, dat liedje van die Axe reclame - touch..geweldig sexxay liedje :p : "Electric shivers, across my skin. It's like a fever and you're my only medicine" WHOEHOE :D Dus ben nu weer aardig happy, niemand thuis dus muziek kei hard natuurlijk, buren zullen wel weer gaan klagen majah, binnenkort toch verhuist dus me no care :p..al hebben we wel daar van die fucking dunne muren waar je alles en iedereen hoort dus dat niet-klagen zal ook van korte duur zijn
Majah anywayz, zaterdag ga ik eindelijk beginnen in het nieuwe huis, alvast dat stomme hout in mn kamer eraf rukken :p en gelijk het nieuwe behang ophalen en dan ook binnenkort beginnen met behangen, niet dat ik dat kan dus ik chanteer wel iemand :p....Kheb eigelijk nu wel zin om te verhuizen, gewoon weer nieuwe dingen, nieuwe kamer en al dat, het is nog wel steeds moeilijk omdat je hier toch 8/9 jaar heb gewoont, majah het word wel fun :D iig het MOET!
majah aangezien het al 2 uur en ik nog moet douchen/aankleden/het huis opruimen zal ik maar is moeten beginnen voordat mn ma thuis komt :(
dus baaj baaj :p
   
*is in love bui :p*
Posted at Thursday, October 07, 2004 by lothlorien
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